


Maybe in Heaven

by potterswinchesters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Dean Winchester Makes Sacrifices For Sam Winchester, Episode: s12e09 First Blood, M/M, Repressed Dean Winchester, Self-Sacrificing Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 15:48:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13860963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potterswinchesters/pseuds/potterswinchesters





	Maybe in Heaven

Dean can’t remember the last time he’d sat in the backseat.

On hunts with Sam, he’s usually the one driving. The few times that Sam actually convinces Dean to take a break and get some rest, he just moves to the passenger seat. Even back when he and Sam had gone on hunts with Bobby or Dad, he had ridden shotgun while Sam lounged in the backseat. He doesn’t even know why; it had always just turned out that way.

But now, for the first time in forever, with Mom in the driver’s seat, Dean concedes the passenger seat to Sam and settles in beside Cas. It’s a big move for Dean, but if Sam takes notice, he doesn’t comment on it.

After the deal the brothers made with Billie, the Reaper, Dean feels as though he doesn’t have much left to lose.

As the car begins to slow, Sam swivels his head to look at Dean. “It’s time,” he says quietly.

Dean catches Sam’s eye for a split second, and a silent goodbye ensues between them. After Sam has looked away, Dean’s gaze flits over to Mom. He only just got her back, but at least now, once he’s gone, she’ll be there to pick Sam back up.

A Winchester will die for good tonight, and Dean would _never_ , in a million lifetimes, let that Winchester be Sam.

Dean knows how it’s always been with Sam. He was always more to Sam than just a brother. He was the father that John Winchester hadn’t been, and he was the mother that Mary Winchester couldn’t be. He’s given himself up for Sam before, and he would do it a thousand more times if it ever means Sam can keep on living and have a chance at reaching the light at the end of the tunnel. Sam will argue, but Dean will win, and he’ll be happier dying for him than he would living without him.

 _It’s now or never_ , Dean tells himself. In his dreams, he would have reached over, grabbed Castiel’s face and fitted their mouths together. And he’d have kissed him and kissed him and kissed him. He’d have sucked bruises into Cas’s neck and touched him everywhere, leaving his mark on the angel just _once_ before being torn from life. He should. He _should_.

Dean’s left hand is resting beside Castiel’s right one, but Dean is a goddamn _coward_. So he does the most he can bring himself to do: he slides his hand in closer until his pinkie is entwining with Cas’s. As soon as it happens, Castiel—without retracting his hand—glances at Dean, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion. Dean’s lips part to make room for the words caught in his throat—he has too much to say. His gaze darts momentarily down to Cas’s mouth, as it often does. He considers kissing him again, but he’s not dead yet, so he has not yet conquered fear itself.

Dean is not going to Heaven.

Billie made it clear when she made the deal, bound in blood, with him. She’ll be tossing him out into the Empty, and whatever that is, it sounds like oblivion. Nothingness.

But just for his last few minutes, Dean entertains the fallacious fantasy that when his soul leaves his body, he’ll be somewhere without pain. Without sadness. Without fear and shame and reluctance and everything that has been holding him back from allowing his soul and Cas’s grace to fuse until they both see stars.

He pretends, for his own sake, that he’s going to Heaven, and he almost smiles.

 _Maybe in Heaven, Cas_ , he thinks to himself, allowing his hand to linger one heartbeat longer beside Castiel’s.

_Maybe in Heaven._


End file.
